A Depressive Episode

and a meditation on Psalm 40

Photo by Adrian Swancar

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I used to spend a good portion of my life feeling depressed.

I don't get depressed these days nearly as much as I used to, though I do have an episode from time to time.

The thing about the word “depressed” is that it's sort of a catch-all. There are so many shades of depression that arise from so many different sources.

There are many roads, but they all lead to the same place.

The Bible talks about this place. It's called the “horrible pit.”

The horrible pit: a place where your thoughts torment you. You try to climb out, but the walls are slimy and slippery; there is no foothold.

You try to reason with your thoughts; you try to distract, comfort, or fix yourself; you to try a self-help book, a cat video, an hour of scrolling, and/or a stimulating beverage; nothing works; you're still in the pit.

Perhaps, if you are like me, you try the Christian version of all the above: Opening the Bible and reading all your highlighted passages. Extra prayers in the laundry room. Compulsive journaling. Finding all the devotionals on your shelf and opening them to today's date. Perusing Christian influencers' Youtube channels.

Maybe you need to sing a hymn? You grab an old hymnal and open it up randomly: “Someday the Silver Cord Will Break.” (Alternatively, you turn on Christian radio.)

But nothing helps. Nothing seems to address the thing that is tormenting you.

In short, God isn't answering you.

This is what happened to me the other day when I felt depressed.

Finally, after trying everything I could think of to fix it, I remembered what the Bible had to say about the horrible pit:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

and He inclined to me

And heard my cry.

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

Out of the miry clay

It occurred to me that, instead of restlessly searching for an answer, I needed to wait patiently for the Lord.

Waiting on the Lord is an act of faith. I wouldn't waste my time waiting for someone who isn't going to help me. But when I wait on the Lord, my attention and expectation are centered on Him; all of my hope and trust are fixed on him. Not on bullying Him for an immediate answer, but on trusting that, in His way and His time, He will hear my cry and lift me up out of this horrible pit.

When I realized this the other day, my mind and heart became quiet and my sense of wellbeing returned.

Then I got up and did the things I needed to do: a load of laundry, dinner, etc.

The thing about depression is that it robs your activities of their meaning. It robs your life of productivity and then condemns you for being unproductive.

Years ago I had a conversation with a Catholic priest in which I confessed that I'd been feeling depressed and didn't know how to fix it. He told me, “when you feel depressed, you have to engage with life anyway, even when that engagement is the last thing you want to do.” This is an act of trust in God.

In my late twenties and early thirties I developed an addiction to dumb TV shows like Wife Swap that would run on and on for hours and hours all day long. I watched them when I was depressed. “You need to get up and get back to real life,” I would tell myself, but the more I lay there watching TV, the more impossible my real life seemed. Because as soon as I turned the TV off, not only would I have to deal with my real life and my depression, but I would also have to deal with the boatload of shame I'd earned for myself by wasting all that time.

It was a horrible pit.

Mindless TV watching is bad enough. But I realize there are worse addictions. And that's why this is so tragic.

Let me propose an alternative: if you are depressed, wait for God to lift you up out of that horrible pit. And after He lifts you out of it, this is what He will do:

[He] set my feet upon a rock,

and established my steps.

He has put a new song in my mouth--

Praise to our God;

Many will see it and fear,

And will trust in the Lord.